Where have you been mentally, emotionally, and physically for the last two weeks Whitney?
Where have I been? Low. Irritated. Stressed. Panicked. Negative thought patterns. Negative energy patterns. Lack of belief in self. The parts of myself that need my attention and my efforts.
Have I been actioning the behaviours that lead me towards the person I know is somewhere already living inside of me? No. Do I have a vision of who I hope “Whitney” turns out to be? Absolutely. I’m very attached to that version of me, seeking with curiosity, depth, and sometimes I long to find areas of myself I know are there, but I haven’t uncovered yet that it makes me cry.
This week I cannot steer away from teaching around the theme of being soft with yourself. In doing so I have invited fellow students, and myself to just be with what is. To work with the positive aspects of life and to help to understand that you truly did make the right choices for you. If you didn’t make the best choices for you – luckily enough you’re recognizing that you didn’t. Most people don’t. You’re reflecting enough to make the necessary changes. Good on you, kid.
I had realized over a month ago when I didn’t teach that one zoom class because I was going through some deep family issues that I should have taught it. That I should have used that place and where I was to learn together, to help us connect, and to relate with the rest of you. I didn’t do that. I instead laid in my bed and slept. I agree with sleep – I value rest. But I should have taught the class. I should have shown up in the face of struggle, stress, fear, emotional lows – and used that place to show up for the rest of you. Who are just as likely to be going through or have gone through a rough patch as well. Still, I learn.
And in all of this, I don’t necessarily want to be “somebody” I just want to uncover something in myself I know is there. I just don’t know how to find it. I think a lot of my annoyance is because I know those aspects of Whitney are around – but where and what are they? I guess I’ll have to be patient.
Yoga Sutras – Chapter 1, Verse 30
These nine obstacles to self-knowledge disrupt and scatter the mind–
they are disease,
dissipation due to excess craving,
lack of concentration necessary to achieve higher consciousness,
Accompanying these distractions are
and disturbed inhalation and exhalation.
In order to prevent these obstacles from arising,
you should habituate yourself to meditation upon a single principle.
By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward happiness,
compassion toward suffering,
delight toward virtue,
and equanimity toward vice,
thoughts become purified,
and the obstacles to self-knowledge are lessened.