without notice

Have you ever just cried and cried? And cried. And cried. And cried.

Without notice

It just comes – and you allow it. You may allow it for the first time in your life.

And you realize, I am carrying pain. I am carrying more pain than I even realized.

I am allowing myself to cry. And cry I will.

I am allowing myself to cry. And you might find that you will cry more than you thought possible.

I am allowing myself to cry. And I will take accountability for my own web that I wove.

I am allowing myself to cry. Because how many years have you pushed this down. And given it zero space, allowance, and surrounded it by shame.

I am allowing myself to cry. Because it’s release. Because I am truly going through it. Because I am healing. Because this is my pathway right now.

I am allowing myself to cry. Because it’s the liberation I am seeking in building my boundaries with those who have damaged me.

Scorpio season has ended but the after effects of inner suppression and dark emotional body are still very present. I am feeling.

I was told the other day to ‘move forward now’ ‘put it behind you’ for my response could only be ‘but it is still happening in my body’ ‘I’m not far enough out of this to even be in the processing stage’ how could you move forward? No. I will not brush everything under the rug. I will bring them to the surface and those will have to accept that I am hurt. Sad. Angry. Full of rage. And releasing this I am. Leave me alone.

I had a bath the other night. And I instantly submerged my head. I aided in Pratyahara (Sensory deprivation) I close my eyes and I drowned out my playlist of Jim Croce, Morrissey, and Simon & Garfunkel.

I was numb for the first time in my life. I felt the water on my hands, but they were numb.

I felt the water. But I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything, but I felt it all. I knew exactly where my emotions ended and I knew exactly where they started. And in all this knowing I didn’t even know where to place it or where to place myself.

A deep inner allowing.

And I screamed. I screamed like I was about to be murdered. And I cried. And I screamed, and I cried.

And I sat. And I didn’t say a word.

Give yourself permission to say no. Give yourself permission and full ownership to say absolutely not. That’s not where I am with that. That’s not what I will take on right now. I want to cry. I want to release.

And release, you will.

With laughter + in Oneness,

Whitney